Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation

Something happened recently that caught me off guard.

I found myself in a dynamic that, despite everything I know about the nervous system, slowly chipped away at my ability to regulate.

I kept thinking, "Why am I struggling so much with this?"

I've spent years studying stress, practising mindfulness, teaching Restorative Yoga, and helping others understand nervous system regulation. I know what hyperarousal feels like. I know the theory. I know the practices.

And yet, there I was.

Trying to breathe. Trying to pause. Trying to choose my responses carefully. But every interaction felt like another wave before I'd had the chance to come up for air.

Eventually, I burnt bridges that I genuinely wish I hadn't. It was painful. But it also reminded me of something I think I'd quietly forgotten.

We often talk about self-regulation, but we don't speak enough about co-regulation.

As adults, we're still constantly regulating one another.

Have you ever walked into a room and immediately felt someone else's anxiety without a word being spoken? Or met someone whose calm presence somehow made your shoulders drop before they even said hello?

Our nervous systems are in conversation long before our mouths are. The opposite is true as well.

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships where every interaction feels activating. Where conflict escalates instead of settles. Where every attempt to reconnect is met with defensiveness, criticism, withdrawal, or unpredictability.

After a while, even a well-practised nervous system begins to feel the strain.

That experience changed the way I think about my own practice. I've realised that Restorative Yoga was never preparing me for peaceful days. It was preparing me for difficult ones.

Not so I would never become dysregulated, but so I could find my way back a little sooner. Because when life is gentle, regulation feels easy. It's when the wrecking ball arrives that practice reveals itself.

I've also come to appreciate why education has become such an important part of OASIS. I'm not interested in creating beautiful experiences that people remember for a weekend. I want people to understand why they feel what they feel.

Because understanding creates practice.

Practice creates familiarity.

Familiarity creates capacity.

Capacity creates choice.

And sometimes, that choice is simply remembering that even after we've lost ourselves for a little while...

...we know the way home.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
— Viktor E. Frankl